Allie v. The Bear

I'm just getting ready to go meet some friends up in Lake Tahoe and camp until tomorrow. I'm going back on Tuesday after work and staying until Thursday. I haven't camped in about 12 years or so. I was talking to a friend last week and told him that I was going camping. Now this friend is a big bad Marine, so his idea of camping and my idea of camping are two VERY different things. Here's the email he sent me:

"For Allie:

How to avoid being eaten by bears and/or other large animals while camping:

1) Lose weight before you go camping. You will be better able to outrun predators and the chubbier you are the more yummy you look to a hungry bear.

2) Don't bring food into your tent and then fall asleep while eating. The only thing yummier than a chubby girl in the woods is a chubby girl in the woods with cheeto residue on her hands.

3) You are a girl - camp like a girl. Don't camp in the middle of the woods where you are likely to be mauled by an animal. Camp in a campsite, in a well populated area. Do the kind of camping I have to put quotes around. I camp...you "camp".

4) When trying to survive an animal attack here is the most important thing you need to know...you don't have to be faster than the bear, you only have to be faster than the person next to you. Bring an old, fat, out of shape, cripple with you and you can sleep soundly knowing they will be bear chow.

I could go into how you should play dead with a bear - let them bat you around a little till they lose interest. I could warn you about their instincts when protecting a cub. I could go into great detail about how you could be savagely attacked but would still be able to survive. Frankly, you just don't strike me as the kind of girl that would barely excape with your life. You strike me as the type of girl that would see a bear (one with no intentions of ever coming near you), piss yourself, run away, trip and break your neck.

Good luck with that."

My friends have no faith in me.

If I survive (in the middle of Lake Tahoe with the Safeway about a half mile from the campground), I'll report back when I get home tomorrow.